


He Took Something Sacred

by princessmera



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Jessica Davis centric, One Shot, Sexual References, abuse mention, mostly angst, mostly jess and justin, rape mention, sorry alex fans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-09 02:14:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20987138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessmera/pseuds/princessmera
Summary: "I’ve just got a lot of shit to deal with. And I keep feeling bad about the way I’m dealing with it." A one shot where Jess and Alex's relationship ends for good and where Jess and Justin's relationship begins to become more than just sex.





	He Took Something Sacred

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own 13rw... because if I did, it would turn into the jessica davis and justin foley show, and let's be honest. we ALL want that. too bad. it'd be so good.
> 
> takes place after the flashbacks in 3x03, post Jessica and Alex's break up, and post Jess and Justin hooking up.

“I love you,” Alex told her, but Jess avoided meeting his eyes. Around them Monet’s was quiet for a Saturday afternoon. At their table, above the stairs, no one sat near them. But she couldn’t do this here, or now. She didn’t have the heart to hurt him, but she did have the self respect to deny him. “I want to get back together, Jess. I’ve been so lonely without you.” She stared at her hands, tracing the lines of her veins along her knuckles.

“Alex…” she started, but he interrupted her.

“I know. Look, whatever it was that you were freaked out about, whatever it was that made you end it. I know we can fix it. Please. I can change. If it’s me, I can change.” Jess felt her heart speed up, a heavy ache in her chest, reminding her of that feeling again. She hadn’t felt it in a while, but it was back again. She took a deep breath.

“Alex,” she tried again, but her mind was blank. The ache swelled throughout her whole chest, from the pit of her stomach and to the base of her throat. She squeezed her eyes shut. After everything Alex had done for her, the trauma he had supported her through. What if she lost his friendship? What would she do then? He had been through so much himself, so much tragedy and she had been a core part of his recovery. What if he lost her? What would he do then?

“Jess, c’mon, say something, please?” Jess blinked the tears that swelled in her eyes.

“Alex, I need time for myself. To figure what I need, and what I want.” She looked up, under her brow to see his expression. It was blank, almost scowling. Alex rarely looked like that.

“I think you owe me the truth, Jess. After everything I’ve done for you.” Her gaze flickered back to her hands. What was the truth, she thought. That since her and Alex had started having sex, she had never felt more uncomfortable in her own body. That try as she might, she faked her orgasm every time. Which was very few times of course, because Alex never had the energy. That wasn’t his fault, she reminded herself, and it’s something she never dared to bring up. It was a sensitive topic for him. It made her think of before, with Justin. Faking something like that with him was something she had never even considered. She still never considered, it wasn’t up to her to preserve his masculinity, and it had never needed preserving. Not last night during her break at the Crestmont, and not last week, right here, at Monet’s in the staff bathrooms. Maybe, sometimes, Jess felt like a trophy to Alex. Or maybe a burden. The victim. The girl who had gone from Liberty High’s designated player to, as Alex described himself, the sad skinny boy. Was she just something he could gloat about? Something to give him a new tag at school other than a victim. Or the asshole who put Jessica’s name on that list in freshman year, and ended Hannah Baker’s life. Jess hadn’t thought about that list in a long time.

“Do you remember, when you wrote my name on that list as a way of shaming me for not having sex with you?” She let the quiet venom in her voice put him on edge.

“Yeah, I remember that,” he said solemnly. “You know I’m sorry.” She ignored his apology. She had accepted it before, this didn’t ask for an apology, just common understanding.

“So, you get why I have a hard time telling you the truth.” His face turned from soft and gentle to a sort of bitter ridicule that Jess had never seen the likes of, or at least, never been on the receiving end of.

“What, you don’t wanna have sex with me anymore? That’s it, that’s the reason?” He scowled, his hands slamming onto the table. She jumped. “Fucking classic, nothing is ever good enough for you, Jess.” She wanted to argue. She wanted to tell him that her body was her own, to do what she wanted with. She just wanted to feel normal again. Alex stood up, without looking she knew his eyes were glaring daggers at her. He grabbed his cane from beside the table, and started down the steps. She watched him go, limping away, his anger, and his energy giving out as he went. The pang of heartache returned. Not for love that she had lost, but for the hatred he had acquired.

Jess slumped in the chair, her palms flat on her forehead and her fingers tangled in her hair. Everything was a mess. No, she didn’t want to get back together with Alex. She liked being free, but she didn’t like being free at the expense of heartbreak. Jess was herself again, and she had felt like herself since that day when she had broken up with Alex. She was stuck in a cycle where she could date or she could have sex. One or the other. Or neither at all. Maybe both at the same time, but with two different people. But never together, never in one.

A white mug was slid in front of her, she could barely see it with her head hanging so low. Her hair hung around the drink, like a melancholy curtain on an unused theatre stage.

“Hey,” the person said softly, and she could recognise that voice anywhere. Justin. Her hands slid over her face, wiping under her eyes for any tears that may have escaped, and she sat up straight.

“Hey,” she forced a smile. “I didn’t think you were working today.” She avoided his eyes, but he let out a small laugh.

“Jess, I’ve been working over there,” he pointed to the counter at the front of Monet’s, “since you got here ten minutes ago. I smiled at you when you came in.” She laughed, and her smile didn’t feel forced anymore.

“I was distracted,” she told him. He pulled out the chair across from her, the one Alex had been sitting in, and he waited for her to protest before sitting down.

“I uh, I saw Alex storm out… if you could call it that. Did you maybe wanna talk about it?” She stared at him, incredulous. She wanted to lose it at him, she wanted to hit him across the head, and say, just because we’re fucking doesn’t mean I have to talk about my feelings. Surprisingly he had always been good at both of those things, and today, of all days, she actually did want to talk about her feelings.

“I thought you were working.” His expression relaxed, his eyes not meeting hers. They never did anymore, not unless he wanted them to. Not like they used to, when he was happy. When they were both happy.

“You looked upset, so I asked to take my break now while it’s empty.” He tapped the handle of the white mug he had placed in front of her. “And I made you a hot chocolate, it’s on the house. I figured if you didn’t want to talk, you could do with one anyway.” She didn’t even try to hide her smile.

“Thank you,” she said. “And since you’re so willing to give up your break for me, I would like to talk.” He sat up straight, his arms folded across the table and his eyes kindly waiting for her to explain. “I’ve just got a lot of shit to deal with. And I keep feeling bad about the way I’m dealing with it.” He nodded carefully. “It’s fucking with me, because part of me thinks I should have stayed with Alex, and tried to like make it work. But I don’t want that.” His head went to one side, he was curious.

“Why not?” Jess frowned. Why not, she asked herself. Or perhaps, why else? Bluntness always came easily to her. When she opened her mouth to talk, she never sugarcoated the truth. She never lied.

“Sex just… wasn’t working for us. For me. It was fine for him, and I guess maybe he just expects me to suck it up because he’s doing the best he can.” She took a sip of the hot chocolate Justin had given her, and she didn’t know if it was the drink, or the talking, that already made things feel slightly less shitty. Her shoulders slumped, and she began again. “You know, when we were dating, and we used to have like _a lot_ of sex, and it was great. So much of that was so freeing, and it made me feel confident, and sexy.” He continued listening as she went on. “And when everything happened, you weren't here, but I just felt so broken. I hated my body. And I couldn’t be physically intimate without panicking, or crying, or just freaking out. It’s like,” Jess felt tears welling up, “when you’re raped, they take something from you. Something personal, and something sacred. He took my sexuality, and my confidence.” She wiped away a tear that fell down her cheek. “I just want that confidence back. I have such a hard time getting back in myself, and loving myself, and my body. Sex was fun, it was freeing, I _enjoyed_ it. But, with Alex, it felt like a chore. It made me feel worse, somehow. Like there was something wrong with me for not being attracted to my own boyfriend. Do you get what I mean?” Justin nodded.

“I do, yeah, I do get it.” His eyes left hers. “I’m sorry.” She shrugged.

“Don’t be.” She waited until his eyes met hers again in the silence. “You didn’t take it. He did. Blame him, not yourself.” Justin nodded, again, but Jess didn't think he meant it.

“Then, that night at Spring Fling, despite everything. I had it back, for a brief moment. I loved that feeling. I missed that feeling so much.” Jess stirred the spoon around the drink. “I cheated on Alex for my own personal issues. I feel _so_ bad about it. He doesn’t deserve that. He deserves someone who will dedicate time to helping him heal, and waiting for him to get better. I just… I can’t.” Justin looked at her, he was uncomfortable with what she implied. Uncomfortable about the idea of Jess dedicating her time to someone else, someone that wasn't herself.

“Jess, you shouldn’t sacrifice your own recovery for someone else’s. You have to think of you. What you want, what you need, and what makes you happy.” She stared down into the mug of hot chocolate, she tried to find a pattern in the way the different shades of chocolate mixed on the surface.

“You’re not just saying that so we keep hooking up, are you?” She gave him a small smirk, and he gave one back.

“If that’s what I wanted, I could say a lot worse.” She bit her lip, forcing herself to tear her eyes away from him. She missed that face, that look, that smile.

“I just want to be me again. I don’t wanna be sad anymore. Or feel broken. Like my body isn’t my own.” Yeah, she thought to herself, but what did Justin have to do with her body being her own? Why did she choose him, of all people?

Jess looked up at the boy sitting across from her, she studied his eyes, his face, the look of confusion that came over his expression. As if he were studying her like she was him. They stared, and stared. She tried to think of why, of how he was here, with her right now, instead of Alex. How the two of them had come this far after what he had done, or what he hadn’t done. It was a conversation she wasn’t ready to have. What she did realise was that she had poured her heart out to him, and he had just sat there and listened. He had cared, and for once she didn’t feel like a burden. When she talked to Alex, she had always felt guilty, as if her problems were nothing, or worried that he felt like his problems were nothing. Now she could talk, she didn’t have to watch what she said, and she didn’t feel like at any moment he would just stop listening, or caring. Jess was the first to break their stare, smiling at him.

“Have you heard from your mom?” As if woken from a trance, he blinked.

“Uh, no. No I don’t know where she is.” Jess gave him a small, sympathetic smile.

“I’m sorry.” She sipped her hot chocolate, avoiding his eyes. Sometimes, when she let her mind wander, she forgave him. Well, she didn’t forgive him, per se. She understood him, and maybe, she held him accountable for a mistake, not a crime. Her mind wandered to every late night when he crawled through her window with a black eye, or a bloodied nose, or simply when he was on the verge of tears. When she would hold him, and he would cry into her arms. That weekend when he stayed at her house because her parents were out of town, and he and Bryce had fought over something. She recalled the night, the one that stuck in her mind always, when he crawled through her window in the dead of night when her parents were in the house. I can’t stay in my house tonight, he had said to her. She had told him in a harsh whisper that her parents were home, then she asked him, why can’t you stay at Bryce’s. Justin’s expression had faltered for a moment, then he had quietly told her that Bryce had sent him away. That Justin had argued with him for calling some girl a slut, and now Bryce was ignoring him. Jess considered that the night everything changed. The night she saw her boyfriend, and she saw Bryce Walker as something other than friends. Abuse, she had thought. Emotional. Manipulative. Chaotic. Destructive. Justin’s life had always been more complicated than Jess could fathom. She could never know everything. 

She looked up at him, sitting across from her, and staring at the strange artwork behind her head. He just sat there, waiting for her, as if he had no care in the world except for her.

“I have to get back to work,” he told her, noticing her stare, “but are you okay?” She nodded her head, her hands sliding off the mug as she finished. He stood up and she slid the empty drink over to him, her smile was thankful. Their eyes lingered on one another for a moment, never making contact, but she thought he might say something more. When he turned to walk away, she stopped him. Her arm grabbing his, he looked back at her.

“Wait, did you wanna see a movie tonight? With me?” Their eyes connected for a moment, then his tore away.

“Uh, sure. What time are you working?” She shook her head, smiling.

“I’m not working tonight. I mean like, a date.” It took a moment, but he smiled. He blinked a few times, she could see him rethinking their whole conversation.

“It’s a date.” With that concluded, he started down the steps and Jess’ smile faltered. What would people think?


End file.
